Traveler of the Spirit

by Tatiana Luna

Either I create my own reality 

or

I allow others to create for me.

Others may inspire me, 

provide material for me to work with,

but I am the artist, the painter, the poet.

For me everything is existential, every decision matters.  I have been struggling lately, perhaps with the weight of living this way.  I have been struggling with Boston, the city that twists and ties itself in knots, riddled with negativity, yet full of hidden beauty. I have been struggling with American culture as it manifests in the people I come into close contact with. I have been struggling with some of my most ingrained assumptions about family and what it is to be a mother.  I have been struggling with my “default” state and its attendant habits.  I have been struggling to forge a path for myself — a struggle with Ambition.

These struggles have been almost constantly attended by anxieties, so much so that I cannot trust the struggle anymore as being led by a worthy cause.  Just cause and anxiety shook hands and never let go.

I am a traveler, and Home has always been a place of restlessness and dreaming.  In the beginning I was only a Traveler of the Spirit, but in this I was deeply familiar: my mind went places my body could not.  My dreaming was even bigger then than it is now, with no need for practical considerations.  Perhaps it is a danger of actually going out and travelling the world that the movement of the Spirit gets caught up in the movement of the Body.  A beautiful risk I would never take back, since it also means that Dreams and Magic become the stuff of Reality, even as practical considerations seem to hem us in.

What I relinquish are some of my attempts to settle in this one place Boston. My mind is becoming entrenched as I pile on all the expectations that come with settling in a place with family. I came here hoping to forge community, and I have certainly been learning a lot about that, but I have not always been doing it on my terms.  I am reminding myself that I am still a Traveler here in Boston, in Spirit and Body, and Life does not have to be as goddamned serious as so many people around me would have me believe.

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